Moustache Humour: Get Bent, Hippy.

Lately your Fearless Leader has noticed an increase of spam comments to this site. None of them have made it past our highly-trained and barely-clad squad of female secretaries and assassins, so our viewers have enjoyed the same high quality content that they know and expect. However, one comment, though obviously a piece of made-up drivel to drive traffic to some site of questionable character by someone going by Vivian, made me laugh:

User Name: Vivian

“That moustache is the grneeest on the planet!”Can I just point out that a moustache that large is bound to reduce air flow into the mouth and nostrils, requiring the expenditure of more energy in order to breath. It thereby increases the amount of air that he uses and produces yet more CO2. Rather than being green, it is another unnecessary burden on our fragile ecosystem and should be condemned as such. He is an embarrassment to all of us named Dick.

My response:

Dear “Vivian/Dick,”

You are factually incorrect. The moustache is a sign of the owner’s ability to grow and nurture life, and any slight expenditure of CO2 is more than offset by the sharp inhalations (and in females, slight panting) of others at the sight of the hirsute gentleman. In addition, without our stewardship of wildlife and efforts to move mankind forward in areas ranging from fine art to scientific research, it is highly likely that society as you know it would cease to exist.

Your own inability to grow a moustache (assuming that your name is Dick) and your ability to braid your leg hair (assuming that your name is Vivian) disgusts me and offends the sensibilities of my readership. Kindly vacate these premises.

With all due respect,

Your Fearless Leader

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Moustache Lifestyle Research: In which our Readership verges on loquacious

The recent comment by one of our undercover correspondents on the Rohrschach article is far too amazing to let it languish in the comments section. Read on:

I see why it had to “be brought to your attention”, its hardly but more than a shadow. I’m assuming the whole Freudian psychoanalyst school of thought he followed manifested from his acute awareness regarding his physiological failure to grow a proper moustache, leaving him very troubled and confused about the nature of reality, which resulted in the creation of inkblot tests that can clearly be  interrupted with the modern eye of moustached individuals as an expression of facial hair envy that propelled his crack-pottery- I am in concurrence in your observation of the uncanny resemblance of his inkblot and the moustache, and would further assert that he was mistaken in claiming his inkblots were designs to be interpreted by others, when in fact they were creations of his own hand in which he clearly constructed each one in the likeness of a moustache that he did not have. They were all moustaches. Of course, his failure to grow a proper moustache would naturally have meant he was not popular with the ladies, thereby fueling his ‘sexual frustration’ theories that followed, further propelling his agreement with Freud. But this aspect was simply a by-product stemming from his lack of moustache. The story of Rhorschach is but the  tragedy of an idle life which succumbs to confusion and idiocy in the face of denial regarding their lack of moustache hair. Let this be a lesson to all: Be wary of the man who lacks a moustache.
Good day.

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